Lost & Found

My dad comes downstairs and sees my mom doing yard work. He knows she’s allergic, so he goes to the cabinet, pulls out a mask for her to wear. He goes outside and puts it on for her. 

June 12.

8 more days and you’ll be here with me. We’ll have a lovely 5 days together that I’m completely terrified about. What’ll happen, I’m not sure. It’ll be the turning point in our lives and pretty much define if we’re going to stay together or not. 

I have the whole first day planned for us, well only because it’s half the day by the time you arrive. I pick you up, take you to dinner. Okay, maybe I don’t have every detail down yet, because I don’t know where we’ll eat. I just know we will. Then after dinner, we’ll go to the grocery store. I’ll buy you your own carton of milk (because I know you drink a lot of milk, you drink out of the carton, and I don’t have 2% at the house) and I’ll buy myself a pack of beer to last me the week. When we get home, we can watch the next episode of pretty little liars because I’ll have it recorded for us. Then we can just do couple stuff the rest of the night like give each other high fives and play patty cake until we fall asleep. 

I told you to only worry about getting here and I’ve got you on all the food and what you want. I’ll make sure to take you to the fair too. It opens on the 8th and I’m going to drag you with me to all the rides even if you’re scared. I know you don’t like roller coasters, but hopefully because I’m with you, you’ll come with me. And pictures? I have a feeling my photo booth album will be packed and my instagram will be going off like crazy.

Man.. this summer is going to be poppin’ no stoppin’. 

moosevox asked: How many people need to be offended in order for something to be considered offensive?

1. 

It’s not about the quantity, but more the quality. Quality meaning what they say and who they say it too. 

It’s like the word “nigga”. If I said it to one of my homies, “Wassup nigga” they’d say “not much”. If I said it to some stranger black dude (no racial),  they’d say “What’d you say?!” then beat me the fuck up.

Some people just take shit up the ass, while others can be a total douche bag.  

moosevox asked: How aware are you of your own bodily signals that constitute emotion?

Not sure if I’m interpreting this right, but if I am, there’s like a 75% chance of it. 

The way I’m thinking is like, i’m standing there like (-_-) and someone farts and I smell it so I’m like (O_O) then (>_<) and then (X_x) . Or when I’m bored/lazy/tired, I tend to cross my arms/legs. 

Lmfao, sorry if that’s totally wrong. But If that is what you’re saying, then I’d like to say I have a pretty good grasp of it, especially because I’m such a mellow person most of the time.

Dear past,

I’m sorry I’ve tried so hard to delete such a big potion of you.Though as hard as I tried to delete you, I could never really forget you.

To be honest, those were the moments where I really grew up to be who I am now. So, as much as I said I regretted them, I guess I can’t.

I’m not saying it was all good in the past, because I know damn well it wasn’t for a long time. It was one of the hardest times in my life and you realize why some people were meant to be a part of your life while others weren’t.

I guess what I should be saying is thank you. It was kind of hard to just type that alone, because I can remember how hurt and hard everything was… But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

I really don’t know about this anymore. I’m pretty lonely at night and almost feel the need to just want to meet someone new that I could just chop it up with since I can never sleep. You used to be that person, but now a days, you’re always sleeping. It doesn’t matter how many naps you take during the day, because you fall asleep early all the time. I can’t ever get you to stay up unless I can persuade you with some kind of gift. You never can do it on your own anymore. We spend a lot of time together but we only talk so little during that time. 

I just.. I don’t know. Want someone to talk to. Someone to stay up with me at night when i can’t sleep. I used to hate the nights, because I hated feeling lonely. When you came along, we’d only talk at night and I’d look forward to each night. Then now? I’m starting to remember why I hated them in the first place.

Long ass vent. Skip it.

This week my dad has said 2 things that really pulled me to the gutter. The first thing he said, it really just fucking brought tears to my eyes that I couldn’t keep from falling. 

I know he probably didn’t mean it like the way he said it and he was just pointing out the obvious, but it wasn’t the words I needed to hear right then and there. It made me feel hopeless,  a waste, not good enough. “Someone is going to be better than you.” Telling me that someone would always out do me no matter where I go and what I do. I get that there will always be someone who’s better, but damn… the way you said it was like telling me I’m not going to be successful. I already feel untalented and when I sat there for that couple seconds after you said that, I thought about how mediocre I was. I’m only good at things, but never great. I have no superior talents.

It’s so different talking to my mom compared to my dad. My mom gives me a ray of light and hope. She tells me “You know? I think you can do it.” She inspires and motivates me. I’m not saying my dad doesn’t do anything good, because he does get me excited about things, but the way he talked to me that day made it seem like I’m only average and I should stop going for big dreams. I’d like to point out that it’s embarrassing to cry in front of him. After our conversation, he asked me why I’m so sensitive. -_- I felt stupid for being emotional. Maybe he’s like my brother, where they feel like crying is a sign of weakness. My mom on the other hand, she’s so understanding. I knew she saw me stressed out that day. Which is exactly why I think my dad talked to me afterwards. I think she gave him a hint to talk it out with me, but to be honest I’d rather just talk things out with her. There’s times where I cry to her and she knows just the right things to say.

Today, we saw a commercial about some place down in hillcrest. I told my dad, “yeah, they always got some good food there”. My dad replied trying to be funny, “You know what else they have? A bunch of gays on the streets”. I’m not out, obviously, but that’s exactly the reason why. Acceptance from my family is something I don’t want to lose. I just don’t want them to be disappointed in me I guess.

This one time I played an extra in a PCN in one of the scripts. My line was “I’m Gay”. After the show my mom asked me if there was something I wanted to tell them, regarding to that part of the show. A part of me wanted to say something but I said that it was nothing. Just a line in the script. My mom gave a sigh of relief. Damn, that killed me. She was worried. Is it that bad to be gay to them that she was so relieved I said it was nothing? 

So I’m still under the sheets. I don’t tell anyone, unless they ask. I don’t blast it out in public because I don’t think it needs to be announced. No straight person says “Hi I’m straight”, so why should I say anything? I’ve told a lot of my friends and they all are understanding and very open minded. Some of them I think forget that I’m bi, because I hustle guys at the bar/club for free drinks, but it’s whatever to me.

I’m not ashamed of who I am. I just don’t want to worry my family if I don’t have to. I’m bi and until I’m for sure I will end up with a girl, that’s when I’ll tell them.